Socially Awkward- Weddings

"Weddings are fun! "

                            -An overtly extroverted person with an extraordinary capacity to indulge in social conversations.

Why are we losing sight of the essential life-affirming truth that, "Oh no,they are not". Weddings are places that make you realise yet another time that social awkwardness is probably your most dominant trait.You have to plaster an unhealthy smile and dress up in a particular manner.It's only when your muscles start to ache so hard that, you are reminded to stop smiling all the time like an idiot. I don't hold any personal grudge against weddings but they are strange.  I don't know what other word to describe our big fat Indian weddings with. It goes without saying that they are grand and glittery and jaw dropping.  But more than that, I feel like it's a stage for the family to blatantly showcase their wealth on the bride.

Hello extroverts, you might say in your defense that they are places to rekindle lost relationships and discover new ones (Match -makers and girl hunters, we see you) but they are not! Half of the people are there for the food. The other half are judgemental gossip mongers with a knack for assuming things. They know your story if they have seen you......once.  And conversation starters put me in a physical and mental trauma. In the wedding conversation starters for dummies, we have,

1) The ever so famous ' Allow me to judge your weight"

                         It's honestly amazing how people can measure in a matter of few earth seconds, the few kgs you gained or lost. But wait! Both the scenarios will be presented in the most offensive way possible- If the judge feels like you lost weight they'll say " Oh honey, you look so tired" and if they feel like you gained, " omg, you look very fat "

2) The we-are-not-close-but-I'll still-ask-you-who-I'm.

                         Whenever I see a human being nearing, I'm instantly looking, searching, listening for clues from somewhere as to who they are. Of course, I've seen them. No, I don't know them. I'm sorry but my brain just didn't register your biography. Cliched replies include : "I've seen you but I have a bad habit of forgetting names" " Of course, I know you, what are you talking about? " but the second reply will backfire. Because there's no stopping them, they will again ask you : " Then say, who am I ?" . That is one amazing riddle if you ask me.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                

Now let's talk about your clothing.

Well, your ornaments shouldn't shine as much as the brides. You shouldn't dress as pretty and you should dress in a way that strongly establishes the proximity of  your relation with the bride or the groom. If you are the bride's or groom's sister or brother the archetypes go like this. Saree/ Half- Saree for girls. Wait. If you are the next in line to marry, stick with a saree. Can't wear a saree? Do not worry. You will. Shirt/ Kurta with a shiny mundu is the default cloth type for boys. Personally, I don't like to dress up. So, whenever I step out of the house to attend a wedding in my personal style, I'm asked if I'm going to a funeral. Since I'm dependent and to survive I have to abide by my family's rules, I'm  sent back to the dressing room.

                       The fragrance of jasmine and winds scented with the smell of  Agarbathi are made insignificant by the strong winds of criticism. The minute you enter the area, you are under  some serious surveillance. Not studying to become a doctor or engineer? Get ready to face a lot of 'you-have-my-pity'.
 Your clothing, the way you walk, your dominant facial expression, your knowledge about your relationship with your family, close and not. If middle aged aunties approach you, strangely curious about your well being and more over your age and education, beware! For they have with them a potential partner for you. ( Maintain safe distance ) .

 The lack of conversation flow and awkward silences is another major problem. Some conversations end abruptly or have a lot of awkward silences which is most often broken by asking
if they had food.

Need I even start with the bride and groom? The bride can hardly balance herself from the weight of the gold and the groom looks perpetually disoriented. Their family is all over the place. Constantly checking if everyone's having a good time. Aww.

I can go on and on about how awkward and strange our weddings are. I might as well write a book. A coin has two sides. A wedding um..has its positives. Well someone is getting married. Yay?  Now, if you'd excuse me, I have a wedding to attend.